Why Can't I Feel Compersion?

Let me assure you: If you do not feel compersion, there is nothing wrong with you, and you do not need to feel compersion to have satisfying open relationships. If experiencing compersion is important to you, I highly encourage you to seek assistance - What is Compersion is a wonderful website I have recommended before with many resources available.

With that being said, I am now going to venture into unpopular opinion territory: sure, sometimes we don't experience compersion because it is not a part of our relationship culture and we have the opportunity to learn it. Other times it is because your relationship is rocky (or just plain bad), and it is hard to experience joy for your partner when the relationship is legitimately at risk or you feel as though you are lacking.

I am going to use a different emotion as an example to explain. Jealousy is experienced when we feel a real or perceived threat to our relationship. Often, when working through jealousy, we make the assumption that the threat is perceived and not real. Sometimes, however, the threat is real, and jealousy actually was an effective warning. The threat could be another romantic relationship, but it can also include other challenges, such as a demanding work schedule, friendships, or even family demands. When the threat is real, we still need to move through feeling jealousy and understand there are ways to approach the threats in ways that benefit our relationships. It is important to identify that jealousy isn't always literally "wrong," sometimes it is an indicator that something is threatening the relationship.

Now, back to compersion. When we talk about developing compersion, we make the assumption that the relationship is in good shape and that generally needs are being met and there aren't actual threats to the relationship. These qualifiers are good indicators that you can work towards experiencing compersion. Your relationship is already good, so you can develop other positive associations and emotional capacities.

However, there is also the flip-side where the relationship is not in a good place. If you have been cheated on - yes, you can still experience infidelity in open relationships - or your partner tends to lie to you, or you have other difficult relational history, then compersion can seem impossible to feel.

In this case, if you are trying to foster compersion, it can feel impossible. So, what are you to do if you really want to work toward compersion?

First, I encourage you to look outside of your challenging relationship and focus on feelings of joy for others there. You don't have to experience it in your relationship - any indicator that you can feel happy for another person's happiness can help.

Next, you might consider focusing on the foundation of your relationship instead of compersion. Work towards healing old wounds and building a relationship that feel abundant, rather than a lack. It is much easier to feel positive feelings when your needs are being met than it is when you are experiencing unmet needs.

Finally, you might need to assess if the relationship is actually right for you. Is it still a good fit? Do you want to and choose to work towards healing? Many folks want to heal relationships, but they aren't willing to let go of the hurt to heal. It is easier to remain on guard in a relationship than it is to end the relationship.

Our feelings are not always facts, but they can be indicators that help guide our relational decisions. How can you use your experience of compersion - or lack thereof - to learn and help guide you, rather than as an indicator of success?

In curiosity,

Dr. S. Kay Webb