What to do When Trust is Broken

When trust is broken in a relationship, the actions you should take depend on if you were the one who broke the trust, or if you were the one whose trust was broken. If you would like to revisit my definition of trust, check Three Ways to Intentionally Build Trust. I outline three tasks for each of these roles, below:

If you broke the trust:

1. Acknowledge how you broke it and offer a real apology if you mean it.
   Acknowledging that you broke trust is the first step in regaining it. Why? Because it shows both the ability to self-reflect and the ability to take responsibility for your actions. Self-reflection helps you to really understand how your actions impact trust. Taking responsibility demonstrates how your actions influence the whole relational environment.
   
   The next step is to apologize with intention. If you do not feel as though you need to apologize - this article is not for you. If you recognize that an apology is needed, take some time and feel remorse for what you did. Sit with the repercussions of your actions, and note those in the apology. Taking time to consider what was done and talking about it can help immensely in building trust again.
   
2. Set emotional boundaries.
   Yes, you were the individual in the wrong. However, this does not mean that you need to become a scapegoat for emotional outbursts or downright violent behavior. I encourage you to set time limits when talking about the situation or seek out the help of a third party. A therapist or coach can help to keep conversations productive, rather than simply rehashing the hurt.
   
3. Honestly consider what you will do differently in the future.
   Please DO NOT just pay lip service to what your partner(s) ask of you. You need to sit with your behavior and interrogate it. Why did the event occur? What prompted it? Do you actually want to change the behavior or was it a repercussion of something else going on that you need to address?
   
   Too often, folks who have broken trust agree to anything to fix the hurt only to find themselves repeating the behavior again in the future. You might need time to understand your actions and set realistic standards for the relationship as it moves forward. This is okay! Take the time. Communicate about what you need and do your due diligence so you don't set yourself up for failure in the future.

If you had your trust broken:

1. Sit with the emotions and develop a practice of self-care in difficult times.
   Ultimately, it is your responsibility to take care of yourself and your emotional body when you face a difficult situation. Be with the hard feelings, journal, talk to a professional, and learn what you need to grieve and heal. Feeling is an inside job, and it takes time.
   
   Our culture encourages us to disassociate, numb, or project hurt onto others. While all of these will be tempting - and you can absolutely intentionally numb or disassociate when needed - projecting the hurt or expecting your partner to make you feel better will not work.
   
   At best, you will receive an apology with actions that can help rebuild trust. However, when trust is broken, it is hard to believe that the person in question is telling the truth. This is why the emotional energy need to turn inward. Take care of your damn self.
   
2. Decide if you really want to trust again.
   In working with hundreds of folks over the years on trust issues, it is clear that for many folks, when trust is broken, they are unwilling to actually trust again. They have made a decision to maybe go through the motions, but the break in trust will forever lurk in the back of their mind. What's worse, is when they decide to continue the relationship with the understanding that they "will never trust again."
   
   The mindset of not trusting again is a choice. If you want to hold onto the hurt, I encourage you to lovingly consider leaving the relationship. Neither you nor your partner will thrive if you always carry the candle of mistrust.
   
3. Consider additional resources.
   
   There are many supportive resources out there to help with developing trust. Here are a couple I recommend* (many of these are from a monogamous lens):
   1. Rebuilding Trust: Guided Therapy Techniques and Activities to Restore Love, Trust, and Intimacy in Your Relationship by Morgan Johnson MA LPC
   2. I Love You But I Don't Trust You: The Complete Guide to Restoring Trust in Your Relationship by Mira Kirshenbaum

In any difficult relationship situation, I always encourage folks to work with a professional. Therapists and coaches can help with renegotiating the relationship in a way that suits all parties, with healing hurt, and with simply being heard and not adding additional hurt.

Take care of each other out there.

In curiosity,

Dr. S. Kay Webb

*I receive a small affiliate payment if purchased through my link.