Tips for Having Difficult Conversations

Often, we approach difficult conversations without the correct preparation, and we wind up engaging in non-constructive conflict. It is important to set yourself and your partner(s) up for success when you both know you are about to talk about something that might be hard.

Here are some tips and things to consider to set yourself up for success:

1. Schedule a specific time to talk about the topic. Be sure everyone knows what the topic is, and give it an end time as well (Sunday from 2:00pm-4:00pm, for example). Be sure you are in a comfortable and private environment where you can easily meet your needs. Consider having some water, tea, or snacks, and tissues if you anticipate emotional responses. Being physically comfortable encourages us to open up because our base needs are met.

People tend to resist the scheduling strategy. Please give it a good college try…maybe a few times. It really does make a difference.

2. Make sure everyone is privy to the topic being discussed, and set a goal. If there is a decision to be made, consider having some framing questions that everyone thinks about BEFORE the scheduled date. It can be very frustrating to sit down to have a difficult conversation only to be stifled by, “I haven’t had time to think about that.” If you or your partners need time to process, consider that when scheduling. For example, if you know your partner has a really difficult workweek, don’t schedule an intense meeting on a Friday night right after work. Try to be considerate about life events.

3. Although it is important to be considerate, also make the conversation a priority. We are good at avoiding difficult topics so hold each other accountable to start and finish.

4. If you find yourself angry, take a short break. Breathe. Take a quick walk. If you see that your partner is escalating, call a “time out,” and encourage them to take a break. Do what you need to process and come back to the conversation.

 5. Use reflective communication: summarize important points that your partner makes to ensure that you are hearing them.

 6. Turn off your phone and the TV and any other distractions. This is a HARD RULE.

 7. If a conclusion is reached, repeat it to each other. Understand that conclusions or decisions are living, meaning that they may change over time and that one conversation is often not enough to solve all the problems. Revisit the conversation later. Maybe even schedule regular relationship maintenance conversations – the same time each week!

 I know this is a quick and dirty list, but it truly can help if you have been challenged with difficult conversations.

In curiosity,

Dr. S. Kay Webb