Three Tips for Long Distance Relationships

There are many resources out there for couples in long distance relationships; however, those resources tend to have two significant biases: (1) that the individuals in the long distance relationship are monogamous - let's all be surprised about that; and (2) that the long-distance situation is not permanent. The second bias influences the "tips" that are given to those coping in long distance relationships as they lean into the hope and excitement of finally living in the same place.

The biases have left two big gaps:

1. For those who are in open relationships, there can be all kinds of challenges and feelings that are more difficult to manage due to the distance.
2. How do folks navigate the permanence of never being in close proximity?

This month, we will be addressing these two gaps in long distance relationships, staring with reasonable best practices regardless of your relationship style or chance of living in the same place in the future.

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1. Schedule intentional time to have virtual dates.
   
   Your relationship needs romantic tending, and scheduling weekly time to connect is highly important. If weekly is unsustainable for you, then define how often you will have your dates and hold each other accountable.
   
   I encourage you to make a calendar visible and plan out 3-6 weeks or months in advance so you have time to both ensure you are available and plan something special!
   
   While you are scheduling, alternate who is planning the date and get creative. Maybe you send your partner a recipe with all of the ingredients the day before so you can cook a meal together. Maybe you rent a movie for the both of you to watch. Or maybe you just send them a little gift to open when you have a date phone call. It does not have to be extensive or expensive, it just needs to be thoughtful.
2. Set good boundaries and check in about them regularly.
   
   Being long distance challenges good communication and connection, but it can also challenge privacy. Ensure that you are getting your needs met by noting times you are and are not available - this can be especially true if you are in very different time zones.
   
   By making expectations clear, you can help mitigate (note I did not say PREVENT) disappointment when availability becomes a concern.
   
   Go above and beyond by sending a little reminder: "I am heading to bed now and won't be available again until 8am my time. Know I love you!"
   
   Outlining the expectations in advance, sending reminders, and including some love and encouragement in those communication efforts are wonderful ways to support and sustain a long distance relationship.
3. Encourage and ask about your partner's life outside of you.
   
   Being in a long distance relationship can feel isolating, or like you are waiting to live your life when you are finally back with your love. Being in perpetual wait is not a way to live a satisfying life, nor is it sustainable.
   
   So this tip is two-fold: Take the time to develop your friendships, interests, and other relationships outside of your long distance partner. Also, take the time to encourage them to reach out to those who are close when they are struggling with distance and ask them about their hobbies, actives, and interests.
   
   Again, if you want bonus points, arrange a date with them and one of their friends to do an activity where they are and have them send you photos. You can support their life, and they can support yours, even when you don't live in the same place.

Being in a long-distance relationship is not for the faint of heart. It comes with significant highs when you are able to connect, and deep lows when the distance feels like a loss. Build your emotional resilience along with your relationships, and know that long-distance is not only doable, it is also sustainable.

In curiosity,

Dr. S. Kay Webb