Three Steps to Build Better Routines (for Relationships and for Ourselves)

Sometimes, we should treat ourselves like we treat children. Kids thrive in environments that are stable and predictable. In a world of uncertainty and newness, routine creates the best parameters for kids to grow. When they have routine, kids know they have consistent behaviors to come back to when learning becomes overwhelming.

Adults don't ever really grow out of the need to have stability or routines. We might not see the world through new eyes, but we have ongoing stress, life changes, and fun things like when my cat has a gastro-intestinal disaster and I have to foot an unexpected $500 bill and face her mortality. Unsurprisingly, open relationships also often create uncertainty, which is destabilizing. New partners, changing dynamics, and unfamiliar emotional experiences can feel even more charged if there is chaos everywhere else in life as well.

Routines can provide even the most seasoned adult with grounding comfort.

There is a catch here: When I talk about "routines," I am talking about positive, intentional behaviors that encourage a strong mental and physical foundation. I am not talking about weekend benders or subconscious soothing like social media scrolling before bed.

If you are in need of a routine assessment (heh) or would like to consider how more intentional routines might benefit you, here is an approach that might help:

1. Observe your current behavior.
   Take a week and try to become conscious of all of your routines. Think about your morning routine and when you choose to brush your teeth - before or after coffee? Consider your workspace and how your physical environment influences your behaviors. Noodle on what you do at night to take care of yourself and others, as well as how you prepare yourself for bed.
   
   In true form, observing doesn't mean judging. It just means watch what you do and then make a note of how you feel about it. I encourage you to take literal notes. Jot your routines in a journal and add your thoughts.
   
   Observe for a week or maybe two. We often have different behavior on the weekends, so you might benefit from observing a little longer than a few days.
2. Consider your options for change.
   Once you have your observational notes, consider what is working and what is not. You might decide that you are all good - stability winner. Or, you might notice that you have routines you only do sometimes, and that you might benefit from doing more often. You might realize that your routines are more like the instability games and that you need to do something differently.
   
   Consider where you have opportunities, and think about how you might change your behavior for a different result. Make a list of a few different options. Then...
   
3. Change slowly and go back to step one.
   If you decide you need a change to help you create a strong foundation, then look at your list, choose only one or two things, make the changes, and observe some more.
   
   Intentional routines should be observed to ensure that we spend our time doing things that add value to our lives and create a strong foundation. Repeating this process is, in and of itself, a kind of routine, and it has the potential to help you witness your own growth over time.

Ultimately, routines should be intentional acts that help us create a foundation where we can then take on the challenges of life. We can also observe our relational routines and work with our partners to conduct an assessment for behavior change. We benefit when we take a critical look at how our behaviors influence us, and then change in a way that helps us emotionally regulate.

Have questions? Let me know.

In curiosity,

Dr. S. Kay Webb