Single and Polyamorous Dating Communication

There is a dating phenomenon that happens when you are single: everyone assumes you are monogamous*. The assumption is due to mononormativity, but this post is not about the normalization of monogamy - it is about how to clearly communicate you are polyamorous if you are single.

Before we talk about how to communicate you are polyamorous and single, revisit Dating in the Time of Open Relationships: Four Tips for Romantic Success. It will help you approach dating with a strategy, instead of being all willy nilly about it.

Then, in your strategy, consider how you will let people know you are not looking for monogamy before you go on a date. This might include making it visible on your dating profile (OK Cupid and other open friendly websites make this easy), or ensuring that the person you are going on a date with has an idea that you are interested in polyamory. This might mean providing a preface BEFORE the date.

Yep, I mean, send a risky text that says something like, "I am interested in you, but it is important to me that you know I am polyamorous" (of whatever form of nonmonogamy you are). This will feel scary and awful the first few times you do it. It will also help you to drive toward relationships that are aligned with what you want, rather than making decisions in NRE or out of people pleasing.

Next, outline and practice what you would like to communicate to those who you choose to date. I highly recommend that you use imagined interactions (Honeycutt, 2008). Think about being on a date, and imagine exactly what you would say regarding what you are looking for in a relationship. It might look something like this:

Potential partner: "So, what are you looking for in your next relationship?"

You: "I am so glad you asked that, as I really want us to be on the same page. I am single right now, but I am polyamorous, so I would like to build relationships that are open. I am hoping to find someone who I can spend two to three nights a week with, travel with, and also commit to, in whatever way we decide is meaningful for us. Do you have any experience with open relationships?"

It is important to be pragmatic here. Even if they have experience, what they want might not align with what you are looking for in a relationship. This is OKAY. One thing I think folks in open relationships can learn from monogamous relationships is that it is hard to find people with whom you are compatible. Just because they are polyamorous doesn't mean they are one of your people.

Practice out loud. Say it to a friend. Make adjustments until it feels okay. Stating something this outright can feel threatening - you are being vulnerable and very clear about what you are looking for in your dating journey. Know that you will have to be redundant. You will likely repeat yourself not only to new people, but to the same person a few times as you navigate dating someone.

Ultimately, communicating about being single and polyamorous includes two key components: 1. Outlining what you want, 2. Saying what you want out loud.

Of course, there are additional challenges you might face - we will be discussing those challenges this month. Let me know if you have any specific questions you would like me to address.

In curiosity,

Dr. S Kay Webb

*Not EVERYONE, but like...most people.

References

Honeycutt, J. M. (2008). Imagined interaction theory. Engaging theories in interpersonal communication: Multiple perspectives, 77-87.