Do You Hate Dating?

I am seemingly one of the few people who actually enjoys dating. When I tell this to folks who know me, they are usually surprised because I am also a raging introvert, and I generally don't like meeting new people. Dating is literally being forced into extroversion and meeting new people, so you might be wondering how I enjoy it. Well, you're in luck, because I sure am going to tell you...

I like dating because I have embraced that I will likely be doing it FOREVER. Now, let me be clear here. I am not ALWAYS dating. In fact, I haven't gone on a first date in about two years, nor am I actively trying to date right now. I am, however, very aware that as a polyamorous person, I might have the bandwidth and capacity to date at any point. Which means that I could be dating for the rest of my life. It behooves me to like the activity if I know I am going to be doing it for-ev-er.

Said a different way, I do not seek a longterm monogamous relationship that would forever take me off the dating market. Instead, I know that at any time, I might decide to date again. If I like dating, I am more likely to tell myself the process is enjoyable while I do it, and - let's face it - it is much easier to find people you want to spend time with when you are enjoying your time, rather than dreading it. It's like a If-You-Give-A-Mouse-A-Date or something.

In this specific instance, I do believe mindset about dating sets you up for success or failure. If you continue to tell yourself you hate dating, you will continue to be miserable in the process. I can't make the change for you, but why would you choose to do something forever and be miserable about it? (Unless you have some kind of misery kink, in which case you are getting off so you aren't having too bad of a time).

If you are willing to give it a go (and by "it," I mean liking dating), then there are a few things you can do to further set yourself up for success. First, identify which part it is you "hate" the most. Is it the swiping or the first messages? Is it scheduling the first date? Is it the redundant getting-to-know-you conversations? Once you know what you don't like, change it. Yes, you heard me, do something different that makes it less dreadful.

You can change it by stopping completely. For example, if you do not like swiping, get off the apps for awhile. Instead, schedule a few in person dating events or ask your friends to set you up with someone. Those are old school recommendations there.

If completely stopping doesn't work, then change your approach. For example, if you hate answering all of the same questions, consider writing up a question and answer guide and handing it to your date (or send it ahead of time!). They can peruse your answers while you regale them with your insights on the drinks you both chose and how they are windows to your psyche.

Does that sound bonkers? Maybe. But you want to know what sounds more bonkers? Subjecting a new date to your hate of the activity. That is a fresh hell.

Take a moment and flip the script: Have you ever walked into a first date and all the person could talk about was how they hate dating? I sure have; there absolutely was not a second date.

In short, if you hate dating, decide to like it. If you can't just decide to like it, then change your approach to the things you hate. Changing your approach WILL feel uncomfortable because it is new. That newness might be just what you need to turn your dating hate upside down.

I haven't ranted at you like that in awhile. Stick around and later this month I will tell you the things I changed to enjoy dating!

In curiosity,

Dr. S. Kay Webb