Dating in the Time of Open Relationships: Four Tips for Romantic Success

Dating can either feel really exiting or really daunting (if you "hate dating," please give this a read). Regardless of what your emotions are telling you or how much experience you have with dating in open relationships, there are four (plus a bonus) considerations you must take before you make that dating profile and give it a go.

Yes, these are meant to occur before you go on that first date. However, if you are already knee deep in swiping, you can still give them a go at any time. Without further ado, here is my list of considerations:

1. Be VERY intentional
   Have you ever looked at a profile or - worse - gone on a date, and someone says they do not know what they are looking for, and they want their relationships to "happen organically"? The wishy washy nature of this kind of sentiment is a big-ol' red flag (and I do not use that phrase lightly). Let me tell you why.
   
   If you do not know what you are looking for, this is indicative of self-knowledge laziness. It tells me you have not taken the time to consider your other relationships, your personal well-being, or even your damn schedule. No one wants to be the organic experiment that fails because you were not intentional about your dating process.
   
   So, what can we learn from these lazy folks who don't want to do any work? We can learn that we CAN do the work to be intentional when we date. For example, talk to your existing partners (see number two, below), think about how much time you need to take care of yourself (I am talking about doing laundry and cleaning and spending time with your damn self), and then think about how much time you ACTUALLY have to dedicate to someone else.
   
   One of the most frustrating things about people who want "organic" relationships is that they are typically highly influenced by NRE (see number three, below), and so in the beginning of relationships, they wind up pushing aside their current commitments and relationships and demonstrating much more availability until the NRE drug wears off. This can lead to complications down the line because the beginning of the relationship was not set up for longer term success.
   
   Now, if you are thinking, "but I don't want longer term success," I want you to take a good hard look at your dating behaviors to ensure that you are not skating along as a fuck boy or girl or person and leaving the campsite way worse off than when you found it. I am not saying everyone has to date for longevity, but I am saying that you should be VERY clear about that from the beginning. VERY clear. Like really clear. And work really hard to communicate about any behaviors that might look like long term relationship activities. Ultimately, be intentional.
   
   Which brings me back to my point. Take the time to figure out what you want, and then communicate and behave in a way that aligns with that.
   
2. Talk to your existing partners about feelings, whoa-whoa-whoa feelingssss
   Are you already in a relationship? Then, BEFORE YOU GO ON A DATE, please talk to your partner about their feelings. This is not a conversation meant to dissuade you from dating. It is, instead, a conversation meant to open up a channel of communication about very vulnerable feelings.
   
   No matter your "rules" or expectations, dating someone new throws a whole ton of uncertainty into any situation. You need to be able to talk about that uncertainty and what it might mean for the relationship.
   
   Sometimes, we want to comfort our current partners, but this is also a great time to be honest (with kindness) that the existing relationship might change to accommodate new ones. While you are not responsible for your partner's emotional response to this information, you can be supportive and loving and make space for them to talk about their fears and concerns.
   
   Yes, it can be hard to witness our partners' pain, especially if we are the "cause." It is not your job to fix the pain, but you can create a safe and loving space to have feelings.
   
   If you do not have a relationship, you might benefit from talking to a friend or other loved one about your own feelings throughout the process of dating. Have someone there who reminds you of who you are and the power of NRE. Your support system matters when you are bringing new people into your life - nurture it!
   
3. Be aware of the drug that is NRE + some not-so-popular advice for this time
   Need to learn about NRE? Check out this article.
   
   I offer quite a bit of advice that people scoff at and then return to me and tell me, well shoot, you were right. It's cool, sometimes people have to learn for themselves. I am going to tell you that advice right now:
   
   Do not make any big life decisions within the first two years of a relationship.
   
   Yes, I mean living together, marriage, kids. Know that your biology is tricking you right now, and that it can take up to two years for the love chemicals to subside and for you to think rationally.
   
   Be aware that not everyone experiences NRE as a pleasant experience. I am one of those people - I tend toward new relationship anxiety - which is exactly as fun as it sounds. I mention this because it is important to know that not everyone lives on cloud nine at the beginning of a relationship. The newness and uncertainty can be really uncomfortable. That is okay - you can still date and have happy relationships. Just take your time and know that you are not in any rush.
   
4. Have a process, reflect, and change that process
   What do I mean by process (I will be running a workshop on my process for my paid members next week, if you would like an example? By process, I mean a way you approach and execute dating.
   
   Are you using dating apps? Going to dating events? What is your first date like? Consider all of the ways in which you have trained yourself to approach dating, and then think about if those steps are working. I highly encourage you to journal, so you can reflect on your experience with honesty (rather than through dating drag memory).
   
   Then, adjust. If you usually go out and have drinks but then you also make out on the first date and have felt bad or pissed someone off, choose to have a short coffee date instead.
   
   As I mentioned in my previous article about hating dating, you have the opportunity to cultivate activities that you enjoy so dating it not such a struggle. But you have to be willing to change your behavior - and your thinking - to get a different result.
5. Bonus: Do some reading
   In true form, if you want more, here are a couple of books to consider*.
   
   First, Building Open Relationships: Your Hands-On Guide to Swinging, Polyamory, and Beyond by Dr. Liz Powell, is a great resource that takes you through her mistakes in dating, and offers alternative ideas on how you might approach relationships.
   
   Second, The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity and Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence by Esther Perel are both great resources to help you think about how others approach dating and what you might need to consider to feel happiness in your relationships.

My final thought here on dating is to really take a look at WHY you want to date. What are you looking for and how do you think you will feel when you get that perfect date? Some folks in open relationships date as a distraction or in order to get even because their partner has had a string of hot dates. I beg you to remember that the people you date are whole humans who have feelings and you should not approach their emotions with the flippancy of someone who is bored or just wants to score to get even.

In general, please be thoughtful and kind to others. Dating can be hard. Let's do our part to not add to that difficulty.

In curiosity,

Dr. S. Kay Webb

*I receive a small commission if you purchase books I recommend.