Complicating Green and Red Flags when Dating in Open Relationships

The Internet has A LOT to say about what "doing open relationships right" looks like. Unfortunately, those who tout only one way to do a certain relationship style are just flat out wrong. There are as many different ways to do open relationships as there are people.

That being said, while single and dating, green flags for some people might be glaring red flags for others. Let's complicate some various red flags and green flags so you can situate yourself and establish boundaries that are meaningful to YOU, not the masses.

Red Flag: A person openly states they have hierarchal polyamorous relationship expectations.

There is a current trend, specifically in polyamorous communities, where hierarchy is seen as unethical and an immediate reason to stop talking to someone. It is seen as indicative of a person who is not willing to do the work to break down couple privilege or mononormativity. Folks who see hierarchy as a red flag tend to have been burned by vetoing or don't like the idea that commitment becomes a kind of pre-existing ranking system.

To complicate this red flag: The non-hierarchical stance is NOT inherently better than those who choose hierarchy. I situate this stance within the understanding that one specific way of doing relationships is never better than another way of doing relationships. I will not place relationship approaches on a hierarchy (see what I ironically did there?).

Sometimes, hierarchy is due to children or home responsibilities or because of work load or socio-economic challenges that come with being human and living under capitalism. Sometimes, it is a choice that makes the most sense for a certain season of life (like just having kids or having a sick parent), and the priority is not only romantic relationships.

Those who are drawn to others already in hierarchical relationships might have multiple relationships of their own or they appreciate the forthcoming nature of what to expect and anticipate in their relationships. This does not mean that there will not be complicated feelings - it means that the complicated feelings are balanced by a shared understanding of what to expect.

If you find yourself questioning if this is a red or green flag for you, I encourage you to consider what you want and what you have time for in your relationships. I encourage you to self-reflect on how you handle difficult emotions and if you can hold feelings and expectations together in a way that fosters relationships. I encourage you to consider that maybe this doesn't need to be a black and white (or red and green) situation, but rather something to consider on a case-by-case basis.

Red Flag: Someone who is new to open relationships and is opening with a current partner.

Being new to open relationships is HARD. You are tossing everything you knew out the window and stepping into a new way of relating. This often comes with making rookie mistakes more seasoned folks can see coming from a mile away.

As a result, many people who have been in open relationships for a long time consider being new a red flag. I really empathize with this stance - especially as someone who used to coach those transitioning their relationships - so it is hard to find any reasons this could be a green. But here we go:

New folks are often really open to learning and have a high capacity for seeing ideas from multiple perspectives. Many are invested in finding things that work for them. And they are enthusiastic! I mean that open relationships can imbue life into people - there is an excitement that is damn infectious.

If you are able to roll with the punches and see people through growth and change, being with folks who are new to open relationships can be incredibly rewarding. Give it a whirl.

Green Flag: A person requires kitchen table relationships.

Often those who think hierarchy is wrong are the same people who only want kitchen-table relationships, or relationships where every partner can come together in familial harmony (Is that really a thing? Heh.). Now, this can be seen as a green flag because the person encourages everyone to get along and talk through challenges.

Although kitchen table relationships are held colloquially as the gold standard of polyamory, there is no evidence that these types of relationships are more satisfying or "healthier" than their counterparts. To be fair, there has not been any research on this (if you know of some, email me!), so that statement could change if a research agenda shifts in the future.

However, for now, understand that kitchen table polyamory is NOT better than other types. In fact, forcing metamours to like each other and interact can cause all kinds of problems the kitchen table can't fix.

So, if this is a green flag for you, go gently into that good table. Know that a requirement to get along can wind up feeling like an employee relationship that is not sustainable.

If it is a red flag for you and you want to complicate it, know that some people do not enforce staunch rules - it might be a preference, but not a requirement. The key is to TALK about it (you are shocked, I know).

Green Flag: A person communicates regularly, is clear about their intentions, and is self-reflective when they make a mistake.

This is actually a green flag. No notes.

When single, it can be really hard to filter what you want. Sometimes, it is easy to rely on the standards of chat groups or your friends. I encourage you to take the time to consider your values and what you want and need, rather than focusing on what you are hearing from others.

While red and green flags can feel helpful, sometimes they just need a little complicating to shift the perspective. What red and green flags do you have? How might you challenge them? Go forth and complicate.

In curiosity,

Dr. S. Kay Webb